If someone wanted us dead….

I say that I don’t like surprises. I am a liar.

I like waking up to Danielbeast watching me sleep for no apparent reason, even though I snore horribly and toss and turn and wake up looking like a mess. I like watching the reactions of people when I finally find the nerve to show them something that means a lot to me. I like it when Danielbeast makes me spontaneous thermos cups full of hot Summer Peach tea. I like it when he sneaks up behind me just to wrap me up in a backwards awkward hug. Or a random sneaky cookie he’s managed to snag from the kitchen without everyone noticing.

But that’s the only time I like surprises. When it’s Danielbeast.

I keep saying I need to stop reading all of these disturbing things on the internet, like what happened in Tel Aviv in the middle of last month… but I kind of thrive on them. Not because I find it amusing, but because I am a writer and a reader and an empath and a studier of people and I find these things interesting.

I spent three years refusing to watch LG15, avoiding it like the plague, only to find out four months ago that I love it. … well, except The Last. Which I hated.

I love when I think of random things like this for no apparent reason:

Remy: Look, I know. I betrayed you. I went on to become one of their ranks. I know. I betrayed you from the beginning, I turned you over to them, I aimed a gun at your head and gave you no choice but to stop.

Daniel: So… why are we having this conversation instead of the one where I put your head through a wall?

Remy: I. Know. But I’m useful. And I’ve saved your ass a million times. So you can use me, and try to trust me, or you can use me and not trust me. What’s it going to be? ‘Cause either way? You need me. Just like you always have.

Daniel: And if you aim a gun at my head again? If you betray me again? If you let them capture one of us again? When you let us down, again?

Remy: Well. I guess you should start carrying your own gun then, hm? And keeping your guard a little higher? Maybe watching your minions a little closer? Definitely the carrying your own gun thing, though.

Daniel: Carry my own gun. I’ll look into it. Be careful not to look into your eyes, maintain two foot safety distance for the sake of my sanity.

Remy: How’s that going for you?

Daniel: Not as well as I would like.

Remy: Old habits die hard.

Daniel: Nothing…

Remy: Ever changes. Not here, at least. Look on the bright side: At least I’m the only person around  you have to worry about trying to kiss you and kill you in the same breath.

Daniel: **mumbling** I’m not so sure of that.

Firstly, that has absolutely nothing to do with a girl named Remy. I have LG15 on the brain, and I want Sarah to be… Rogue Elder. Or something.

Second, that’s a VERY rough draft, it’s 2:53 am, it just popped into my head, and my brain isn’t working well enough to write well, okay?

Third, that is my very first attempt at script writing, ever. Be gentle.

Oh, and Fourth, Yes I know that Sarah never pointed a gun at Daniel’s head.

I think I’ll end this here, for the sake of… everyone’s sanity.

an hour and a half, five takes, and this.

This is my blog for today, because I have just spent an hour and a half talking to a camera and looking at my own image, and I’m just a LITTLE bit sick of myself. So this is what you get:

Sorry. I’m not usually this lazy. I’m just tired.

Hank Green, I love you. (I’m sorry, The Katherine!)

I just spent the last ten minutes watching this repeatedly.

Hank Green, I love you so much.

Breeniverse

For those of you who have ever seen the original season of LG15, you know I’m a fan upon reading the last couple posts. I refer to my ’someone’ as Danielbeast, and nothing else. This is because he hates being on camera, refuses to, and yet… he’d be so good! …So anyway. I spent three solid weeks watching every single episode of LG15 up until the end of The Resistance a few months back. I loved it. Sure, the first couple weeks of Bree’s videos were a bit slow and a bit… hard to adjust to, but I loved it all.

I sat through hours and hours and hours of videos, waded my way through all of the little side treats they leave us, made myself playlists of the 20 or so videos ahead of where I was at the time, and then tried to convince all my friends that they should start watching this. And I had a few hooked on it before I left Wamego. I was sad when I reached the end of The Resistance and found out they weren’t doing a second season due to lack of funding. I love the original characters and cast. I particularly am fond of Sarah and Jonas. (Evil is my favourite.)

Now, I love the LG15 Universe as a whole. But… I. I just don’t… Okay, I’ve been yelled at about this before. But I’m just going to come out and say it. I HATED The Last. I couldn’t get into it. I don’t know if it’s the internal he said she said they said drama crap, I don’t know if it’s the accents (Highly doubtful, as I love Australians.), I don’t know if it’s just the fact that it was rushed at the beginning, I don’t know if I just bonded with the original characters and cast so much that I couldn’t handle the jump. But. I. Hated. LG15: The Last. I stopped watching after about three weeks of videos. Haven’t started again.

I want my The Resistance back, but they can’t find sponsors. If I could manage it, I would sponsor it myself! but no.

So I haven’t watched a single LG15 related video in… a little over three months. Until now.

The last time I watched LG15, they were doing pilot submissions for The Show Is Yours 2. I happened to be on the site today, hoping for some little tidbit about The Resistance, when I found that they’d chosen and started a new part of the series.

I’m only about three videos and a few written snippets into the newest choice, but… it’s good. It’s REALLY good. I’m really liking at least the beginning of LG15: Outbreak. It’s got the perfect mix so far. Crystal is gorgeous, by the way, but I’ve also seen her somewhere and I don’t know where… that kind of feeling, you know? And she’s oblivious. Which is usually how we like them to be at the beginning. She’s just cynical enough for my taste. Will is halfway between creepy I-don’t-quite-know-if-you’re-Order-or-not and Nerdtastic enough to be a nerdfighter. And Mason… And that voice behind the camera… SHENtek… The Book… I want to hug this new series!

For those of you who hated this blog… I’m sorry? I’m a nerd. OKAY? But also… You should go watch LG15: Outbreak. Like. Now. Go.

I promise to post something less nerdy and LG15 related… wait, no, just less LG15 related, never less nerdy, tomorrow.

Borrowing the un/sexy thing from Hayley.. Sorry!

Sexy: LG15: Outbreak. Yes, you’re sick of hearing about it. I’m sorry.

Unsexy: The express LACK of LG15: The Resistance. *cries*

Some ties aren’t obvious.

I developed a long standing relationship with the written word when I was about eight years old. I discovered The Baby Sitter’s Club and from that point on I could never stop reading, whereas before that moment I would not start. I informed my grandmother that I was going to be a writer. She told me that writers were evil. She told me this because she assumed I was referring to being a journalist. It took me an hour to set her straight as to what, exactly, I wished to do with my life. A career plan that has never, in fact, really changed.

Maureen Johnson posted a video on vlogbrothers last week that inspired me at the same time that it made me laugh. She told us about poisonous fish in diners and sitting in little rooms by one’s self writing and procrastination and forts and practise and the fact that there is a huge, huge difference between writing a book (which she encourages in teenagers and other young writers) and trying to publish a book (which she does not encourage quite yet in young writers). She talks about the fact that once you have published a book, it becomes a business, and a real job. She also talks about the fact that teenagers write to her and ask her if writing is a good career and if that’s something that they should be, and that her response is that it isn’t really a career at all, that it’s crazy and that at the same time she is shocked and thrilled every day that she gets to write for a living and that deadlines are needed because if you don’t have them, you will never turn anything in, because you are always still working on it.

And a few days ago she posted another video continuing her writing advice, which makes me happy in my soul because I love it when YA authors tell us how their lives and jobs and thought processes work because aside from the fact that I want to be an assisstant DA in order to support myself and my family and my writing habit, this is what I want to do with my life. I want to sit in a little tiny room with a thermos cup full of hot summer peach tea and a laptop and snacks and a pack of cigarettes and music and spend my days writing books for people who aren’t really that much younger than me. In said video, she told us that we need to give ourselves permission to suck, because that’s what most of writing books is. She said that we need a lot of practise at it. So… having been writing since I was eight years old (That’s eleven years if you’re curious), I’ve gotten a lot of my sucking out of the way. Possibly. Maybe. I hope.

At exactly 12:01 am on November 1st I started writing a novel for this past year’s NaNoWriMo. I loved it. I loved that I was finally getting a shot at trying my hand at the contest, I love the concept I was working with, I loved the subject matter of the entire novel, I loved the feeling of finally getting back to my writing and this time actually writing a book. But I was homeless when I started that novel. Three days later… I was not homeless. I was living with the person that we now only refer to as Danielbeast. And that was marvelous for my physical and mental and nutritional and sleeping well-being. It was not, however, as good for my novel as I would have liked it to be. Now, it is not because of Danielbeast. Danielbeast is a darling and love him dearly and he appointed himself cheerleader in chief of my 2009 NaNoWriMo novel and brought me tea and food and massaged my shoulders and for the most part tried to stay out of the room and tolerate my constant playing of my NaNoWriMo myspace playlist. However, the fact is that I failed. Horribly. I managed perhaps 5000 words in November as opposed to the 50k that we are supposed to complete. Next year might be better. The fact is that at this moment I feel like a failure. I lost the contest, I feel like I’ve lost my ability, and I KNOW that I’ve lost my confidence. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to do this again. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to finish a book, much less master procrastination and fort building and sucking deadlines and crazy long enough to actually publish it.

I said as much to my friend Bella, whom I’ve known for a few years now and whom I love from the bottom of my heart, despite the fact that I am not quite sure where she lives, I did not attend her wedding, I don’t think I’ve ever known her son’s name, and I only rarely get to talk to her via email or Gtalk.

This woman… who is more talented than I am, a better person than I am, and consistently busier than I am, said the following to me, which only made me feel better in the sense that I love her dearly and hearing from her makes me smile:

/Excerpt from email with Bella:

Oh, sweets, I’m sorry to hear that you’re life is so crazy right now. I know from deep experience that when everyone and everything in your life is insane, it deeply and severely wrecks your creative flow and writing inspiration. But, there isn’t any need for you to have lost your confidence; you are an EXCELLENT AND TRULY TALENTED writer, whose work I enjoyed and very much looked forward to seeing more of. If nothing else, know that you’re authorial skills are firm and strong and that won’t change.

I attemped NaNoWriMo, myself, but I just couldn’t get knee-deep into anything enough to write 50k in thirty days. It happens to the best of us, hon, so don’t feel left out.

/end excerpt from email with Bella.

She really means all of that, and I miss her terribly, but I don’t know that any of it is true. I feel like I’ve lost my edge and that the only thing that I can focus long enough to write is this: a blog entry. Even worse, I’ve been trying all week to write even a blog entry and the only thing I can apparently do is write ABOUT writing!

I don’t know how many people will actually read this, but if you do, could you please be kind enough to drop me a comment, either related to writing or Maureen Johnson, or what awesome friends I have, or even how much I suck? I could use some feedback.

An Open Letter To The Universe…

Sometimes circumstances define your life with hardship

Will goodness be the banner you raise

‘Cause with his last breath

Severus said

“Take it, Take it!”

Living in disguise

A true wizard on the inside

Not afraid of what he had to do

He was the bravest man I ever knew

Ministry of Magic – The Bravest Man I Ever Knew

Last week I wrote a completely impractical and very emotional and also very long blog entry about a guy. And despite the fact that he doesn’t really have a ‘internet life’, particularly right now, I still have to protect the (somewhat) innocent.

So. Henceforth the aforementioned male creature shall be referred to only as “Danielbeast”. Because I am overly attached to LG-15. Also because it is a very apt representation if I do say so myself.

In other news, snow and I have been broken up for a few weeks now. When you go from no snow ever for ten years of your life to snow constantly on the ground refusing to leave and multiplying by the day for a MONTH? You tend to not be happy.

I used to have a beautiful relationship with snow. We were very close, we’d never had a fight, and there didn’t seem to be any end in sight any time soon. And then Danielbeast and I went with two married friends into the city one day, because we had appointments. Well in the process of this, we needed to go have a cigarette.  Which would be fine, lovely, well, except that you can’t smoke immediately in front of a medical facility in KS. They seem to think it isn’t good for your health or something! (For those who actually DON’T know, it is bad for your health, but it’s also bad if I start hurting stupid people. Don’t smoke if you aren’t 18 or older or if you don’t know the risks!)  Which would also be fine… except that for across the street there are a) A hospital. B) a school. C) a church, or D) all of the above. For those of you who answered D, all of the above, you’re correct.

Sooooo we tromped around like crazy people (really, you should have seen this) looking for a safe place to smoke, seeing as it’s illegal in Kansas at least to smoke in front of a medical building, I’m fairly sure it’s a federal offense to smoke in front of a school, and people tend to frown upon it and curse you if you smoke in front of a church. Eventually we ended up standing by a tree between the medical parking lot and the medical shoppe (thank you pharmacy.) But by this point I was nearly crying already because Danielbeast and I had already trooped through a mountain sized pile of snow and ice and sludge and water many, many times by that point, and I was wearing ballet flats by way of shoes. Without socks. I felt like my toes were about to fall off.

That was the day that snow and I broke up.

Unfortunately, snow keeps trying to get me back, or stalk me to kill my rabbit, or kidnap my dog, or steal my fiancé, or something of that nature. Do you know why I know this? It’s because every. single. time. I try to leave the house? I go to sleep the night before? No snow. I wake up the next morning? Mother nature has piled on at least three inches.

The universe hates me.

Helping Haiti Heal

Sorry guys, no witty/musical title on this one.

How would you react if your roof suddenly fell in on your living room, with you and your entire family inside? Or if a flood destroyed most of your belongings beyond saving and took the rest of them with it on its unforgiving path? If something took your children from you in a single moment and there was nothing you could do to save them or reverse what caused it. If you lost everything in an irreversible  catastrophic or personally tragic event, how would you feel? What would you do? How would you react? Who would you turn to?

A catastrophic earthquake all but leveled Port-au-Prince, Haiti’s capital. Schools tumbled, hospitals fell like leaves, at least one prison collapsed. This is the worst seismic event to hit the region in more than two centuries. The unconfirmed casualty estimates range from fifty thousand people to two hundred thousand. There are tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of people dead in a country with almost no resources at all, and little hope of any foreign aid.

I know it isn’t pretty. I know it’s hard to think about. I know it’s easier to simply move on with one’s own life than to think of thousands of dead and millions of injured, homeless, helpless, poor people in a country so far from home. I know all of these things. But just take a few minutes. Just a few moments of your time to read and let me paint you a picture of exactly what this means to those people, what it could mean to you and your friends and family and loved ones if it were to happen in your home.

Imagine living in one of the least developed and poorest nations in the western world. Imagine working until you can’t feel anything but exhaustion anymore. Imagine barely being able to keep food in your family’s mouths and clothes on their backs and a roof over their heads, or even any one of those things, despite having worked yourself to the bone. Imagine watching your family, your children, your spouse suffer in unthinkable hell every day before you finally manage to fall asleep.

It isn’t a pretty picture is it? You don’t want to think about it, do you? But what can you do, right? What can you possibly do to help people so far away, whom you don’t know and may never even lay eyes on? It isn’t hard. None of us like opening up our wallets right now, I know. None of us like to think about any of the tragedy because we may begin to feel guilty.

But if you can find it in your heart to give money to strangers, then I’m providing one more way that you can do so.

The HP Alliance is currently holding an event called Helping Haiti Heal. The way this works is this: You go to the following URL: http://thehpalliance.org/haiti/prizes/ and choose the paypal donate button next to the prize(s) you would most like to win. I would like to establish that this IS a raffle, you are not purchasing the items outright. You may multiply your donation in order to make it more likely that you win the prize(s) you would like. This event ENDS on February 6th. Please, go help those in Haiti before it’s too late for you to also benefit from it.

Again that is http://thehpalliance.org/haiti/prizes/ and the event is called “Helping Haiti Heal”.

UPDATE: As of this moment if we raise another $20K for Helping Haiti Heal, the cargo planes that are being sent full of supplies for the relief fund will be named Harry, Ron, and Hermione. So if you happen to be a heavy HP nerd (Like I am) Please go and donate any amount to Helping Haiti Heal.

Protected: Everything I Have…/Here I Am In The Outside World For You

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What will you say?

We’re adults now… and instead of wondering when that happened and how we make it stop… Now I’m finding myself wondering how these roles get reversed. When we were just children, we looked to people older… maybe our ages maybe younger, maybe older. We looked to them for all the answers, expecting them to have them, and becoming indignant when they didn’t.

We never know all the answers. We never even know most of the answers. And slowly, some of us are becoming those people that children look to for all the answers. How do we begin to cope with that? How did our parents and babysitters and aunts and uncles cope with that?

Most of us have at least one friend who either has a child already or will very shortly… Sooner or later, we will all be expected to have all the answers. And how do you look at a little life with huge eyes and tell them that you don’t know something that they desperately want to know?

-amanda

The Watching

I’m starting a new series of tweets in a series that I’ve called #watchingtweets. I’m considering using it as a pilot for my NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month – nanowrimo.org) entry this year. I’m going to keep tweeting like this every day, in character, for a week.

If you think the series makes a good pilot idea for my story, please leave a comment below and let me know what you think, preferably including details of what you did and did not like, and advice on how to continue, what to include, etc.

If you think the series is boring or won’t make for good prose, leave that in the comments as well. If you think I’ve been watching too much lonelygirl15 let me know that in comments, too.

It’s 2:11 am, and I haven’t slept, I’ve been watching this stuff for the last week, and I think it’s gone to my head. But hey, if it fuels NaNoWriMo, I’m all for that.

Remember: The tweets are IC (in-character) and not actually part of my real life. (mostly) So don’t freak out and start emailing/tweeting for me to run, although that would probably be flattering to my ability to write. All tweets connected to the series will have the hashtag #watchingtweets attached to them.

- Amanda. Or what remains thereof.